down the rabbit hole...

xrawkfaeriex @ 2006-03-09T21:32:00

2006-03-10T02:33:25Z

guess who's back, back again.
sarah's back. tell a friend!

new journal.

http://www.livejournal.com/~themostcake

go comment there if you want to be friends!
just transferring most of my old friends list over to there.

why did he have to fuck it all up?!?!

2006-01-19T16:09:25Z

i got this in my myspace inbox from garret and it's sent me into a bit of emotional turmoil, even though i know i should be over all that. and yes, he has some spelling problems. ;P

Okay.. so.. I don't know exactly what you wanted to know, so I will just tell you everything. Here we go...
1) Yes, I did cheat on you. I fucking hate myself everyday for it. The myspace girl (I forget her name) kissed me, and I didn't stop it, but I honestly felt like shit after and never talked to her again. Not that, that makes it better by any means. I think with Alexa too... my memory is pretty shitty. We can assume I did... only cause I'm a peice of shit.

2) I broke up with you for one reason; I'm a coward. Thats it. I was afraid you would brake up with me, and in order to make myself feel better, I broke up with you first. Once again: I feel like a peice of shit.

3) I regret everything I did to you every single second of every single day. I would never dare ask for forgiveness, cause frankly, I wouldn't forgive me either.
I think about you all the time, and wonder if you are okay. You were actually special to me, and I fucked it up so royally that I can barely conceive it sometimes.

4) All dinner is, is a chance to talk to you again... cause I miss you. I didn't actually expect you to accept, after all I have done.

5) Everything in that song I wrote you was true... weather you believe it or not. I was just to much of a coward to tell you I loved you (although it seems to still hold true that it's a curse of sorts).

6) I'm sorry.... I don't even know why you talk to me anymore.... but I'm glad you at least msg.

If you still want to have dinner then you can msg back. If not, I understand. I will pay for dinner though, so don't worry about money.....

I honestly don't really know what to say Sarah. I hope that you will at least msg back....

i know the whole cheating thing is terrible but in a way it's almost a relief...it was just a kiss, i already knew about it so "the truth" didn't end up being all of the horrible things i had in my head.

it was so strange because i had myself in tears thinking about him, missing him, wishing things could have been different the night before he sent this...and now, i don't know what to think. we're going out for dinner on the weekend. what if he is sincere? i know how screwed up he is emotionally and mentally, maybe i couldn't ask for a commitment from him again, but does that mean there can't be anything between us? i don't know what to think anymore but i know that what i felt with him was so special and that i just don't feel that with other guys and i never have before. is it really worth giving up on? fuckkk... why did he have to fuck it all up?!?!

it's weird when you love something and hate it too

2005-12-23T01:02:47Z

it's like that stage in a "relationship" when you've realized how you feel about someone, hinted around the subject, and are always cuddly and holding hands and stuff when you hang out...but for the most part nothing's said about how you're feeling, what's going on, nothing's defined. it's fun discovering something new but my insecurities also make it HELL.

it'll make it less sad if we start talking again and i can tell you how vile you already know youare

2005-12-19T02:51:31Z

5 more days, 1 history test and 2 critical reviews until i'm fucking free for 2 weeks! christmas is so much fun, and flipping new years. i'm tres tres excited, how the fuck am i supposed to concentrate until friday? pfffft. just think of all the fun we'll have!!!

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-12-04T23:08:00

2005-12-05T04:09:15Z

why am i so weak that i so terribly want to talk to someone who threw me away without a second glance? how come i know it's wrong in my head but my heart won't listen? and how long until he doesn't cross my mind everyday anymore? i really can't take it; stupid fucking girl.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-10-21T12:17:00

2005-10-21T16:20:49Z

i'm feeling so motivated lately and getting so much work done. yeah, i still have a tonne to do but that's okay, one day at a time, i'm getting everything worked out and feeling so motivated to do well in school, it's pretty excellent!

also so glad it's a p.d. day today!! hung out with andy & got blazed last night, then i blazed with leanne & jessi & went & saw wedding crashers...so funny! hehe i sound like a total pothead...

so it's not like i actually want to date right now (or for a very long time perhaps) but there's this insanely cute guy i know, & we have so much in common...luckily he has a girlfriend so no temptation can get into my silly head.

planning on spending the rest of the day at the library, may postpone that until tomorrow.

constantine said, "jump on the bandwagon," and everybody started converting from being pagan.

2005-10-19T02:18:24Z

isn't it just excellent when everything works out for the best? :)

it's a conspiracy...

2005-10-16T02:48:13Z

the world is lying to me. i look in the mirror and i can see what you see, i'm ugly, blemished, weird looking, rather disgusting at times. and yet i get stupid comments about how i'm "pretty" or "cute". don't lie to me to make me feel better, it just makes me question your eyesight.

fucking lying piece of shit!!!!!!!!

2005-10-15T23:17:50Z

i was doing so well & now i feel like shit again. i just had a nice talk with the girl that garret kissed downtown while we were dating. i mean, he did it to alexa with me, why'd i think i was different or that he actually cared about me? because i'm a naive peace of shit!!!!!!! it makes me sick to think of how quickly i'm going to be replaced. ugh. fuck, why can't i find a boy who isn't chock full of mental problems so we can have a healthy relationship and skip this stupid SHIT!?!?!

getting dumped on msn is LAME!!

2005-10-14T02:59:57Z

is this what you wanted?
now we'll both drown together
because i can't let you go
and you're sinking like a stone.

why do i get myself into the most unhealthy relationships? i fall in love with boys that are broken. i see how beautiful he can be but he won't and i just go down with him. but now i need him to be happy and he doesn't want me anymore. and i need to find myself again but i feel so lost and hurt and confused.

at least tomorrow's friday & there's a rendez vous planned at andrea's with rum & wine & pot & sexxy, friend goodness!

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!

2005-10-14T01:07:58Z

Under the star light shine
I knew that you were mine
I looked into your eyes
and I hoped you felt the same

I'd like you to see, what you truly mean to me
and that I fade when I'm without your company.

You regarded me,
with smiles, and pearl white teeth,
As I told you what I believe,
to be the truest words I've ever said.

I'd like you to know...and let the record show
That I'd do anything to stop that smile from hanging low.

I find it hard to lie
in the grass next to your side
Without thinking that I have died
and gained a gift of heavenly grace

I'd like you to taste...that the air around your face
has a sweetened scent that my speeds my heart's pace

I'd like you to feel...that there's nothing here more real
than the love between our lips, as they begin to seal.

And then the next week, he "doesn't feel the same". I'm such a fucking idiot.

i never wanted to cease to exist, just disappear

2005-10-10T19:00:28Z

i love that my best friend keeps making plans with me but then finds something better to do & it seems as though my boyfriend doesn't really want much to do with me & won't answer my phone calls.

oh wait... no, it's just making me feel even more like i shouldn't even continue to be. whats the point in still breathing?

ergh... i keep feeling like i can get through it & make myself feel better but i can't fucking do it. it's all a huge lie but i'll keep smiling if it'll make you feel better about everything.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-10-08T00:40:00

2005-10-08T04:41:10Z

i'm actually scared right now. i'm so full of self hate & disgust, i'm going to hurt myself. i need someone to hug me & tell me it's going to be okay.

but there's no one.

i'm all alone.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-10-05T20:34:00

2005-10-06T00:41:25Z

Had to see Mr. Leigh Malloy today. The sight of him actually makes me want to be sick in my mouth. I can't believe that entire year of my life was real, how disgusting, naive & completely stupid I was. But it was definitely a learning experience so I guess I wouldn't take it back. It's weird that it still bothers me, I can rarely hold a grudge against anyone, but I guess someone is cruel to you for a year, that's what happens.

Garret & I aren't on a break anymore. Erm...we worked things out, talked for a long time, & I told him he can't put me on hold but I do understand what he's going through & when he's just not up to hanging out, he can tell me that. So hopefully everything's good when I see him tomorrow.

I'm giving my 2 weeks notice at Silver City next time I work, probably Friday. I am so sick of that place & having to spend 45-75 minutes getting there & home, & working so late on school nights. A job closer to home will be excellent!

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-10-04T18:56:00

2005-10-04T23:01:54Z

i'm so confused about life, it's making me feel sick. the more i think about it the more i hate living in a capitolist society because there's no chance of things changing, i can only see it getting worse. our whole species is a plague on the planet, slowly deteriorating it, bringing it towards an inevitable end where are worthless lives will mean even less because they'll all be gone. over. obliterated.

in a lot of ways i'd like to drop out of school, save up money & move to africa or india & become a farmer, pulling myself out of this western world completely. how do i make my life fit into this society & be happy?

plus, again i'm feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm lazy, & have no discipline, or drive, or motivation. i need to get my life on track & not waste anymore time sitting, "hanging out", & smoking pot.

garret & i are working on working it out but i still haven't seem him, it's driving me a bit mad but i have to wait for him to be ready. i wish i could heal whatever hurts inside of him & make him happy but i can't, i've tried, i guess he'll have to do it himself when he wants to.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-10-01T23:54:00

2005-10-02T04:05:19Z

Just because he looks at you, doesn't mean that he's thinking about how pretty you are or how he likes you or how he completes you. Because to him you are nothing. It's realizing that your sunglasses never really looked that good because they never really did fit right.

I got off work early, at 3, today & called Garret & said I was going to come over & visit until I had to go to the barn & feed. I'm pretty tired & we're just hanging out watching TV & he's all touchy & everything, we end up going into his room having sex, hanging out for the rest of the time. And then about 15 minutes before my mom's supposed to come get me he gets this really, really upset look on his face & I bug him to tell me what's going on & he says he doesn't want to because I'll get mad so when I finally get it out of him he says he wants to "take a break from seeing me". He has things to think about, he's all messed up & this means we shouldn't hang out for a while...but going out & playing video games is good for these problems...I guess. He insists he wants to be with me, he doesn't want to break up, he isn't interested in other girls. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

But I'm supposed to just fuck off & leave him alone until he tells me he wants me back again?! WTF!! And if this is necesarry could you not do it in a "fuck & chuck" type manner?? I feel so used, & helpless, & unloved, & stupid. And I'm pissed.

Perhaps I'll be more coherent later.

If you need cheering up like me, try:
1) Reading the monkey story!!
I like monkeys.

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

2. Listen to "Under the Sea" by Guttermouth
3. Hang out with your crazy friends & watch mass amounts of Trailer Park Boys.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-09-29T00:11:00

2005-09-29T04:17:43Z

Snooping is BAD!! I definitely found something (a letter) accidentally today & read it because I'm a bad, nosey person. The contents of the letter, of course, managed to both hurt me & make me a little upset. The thing is it's not a big enough thing/deal to confront him about because I'd have to admit I snooped. @#$#?&! Ergh...damn me!

I should specify, right? Instead of leaving you all in complete confusion...
okay, so the letter was from a girl that was in BC with Garret (not with Garret, but they were both working at the same place), & it was about how he didn't seem to care that she was moving far away & how she'd basically fallen in love with him. It also sounded like they had gotten fairly close, she was talking about the "initial stages" between them & shit like that. GAH!! Why do I let things like this get to me? I suck.

An angel kissed my strings
While I slept last night
And her rhythm broke my hunger
And I died a little less
Well I just want to get some
Get some while I'm still tall
Oh, let's tell the world we're unheard
We're unsure
We're unstop
We're unstoppable
Oh let's tell the girls to be strong
To be sure
To be heard
We want to be heard
And you're all
You're all I want
Yeah you're all I want
So tell me, tell me, tell me,
Tell me, tell me where have you been?
Well an angel kissed my hands
While I slept last night
And when I woke up this morning
God, I missed you something fierce
I just want to get some
Get some while I'm still tall
Oh, let's tell the world we're unheard
We're unsure
We're unstop
We're unstoppable
Oh let's tell the girls to be strong
To be sure
To be heard
We want to be heard
And you're all
You're all I want
Yeah you're all I want
So tell me, tell me, tell me,
Tell me, tell me where have you been?
Fashion isn't dead
No it's just inside out
It's just inside out
She says she needs a priest
Wants to get closer to God
I say all I need's a ladder
I want to touch your sky
You want it all
Do you want it all?
Do you want me all?
Do you want it all?
And you're heavy in my heart
You're heavy in my hands
You're heavy in my mouth
Yes you're heavy in my day
You're heavy in my songs
You're heavy in light
And you're all that I want
Yeah you're all that I want
And you're all that I want
God you're all that I want
Oh, you're all I want

5 months tomorrow

2005-09-25T19:14:04Z

i know that no one can affect someone's happiness except the person themself, but when i look into his eyes i see this intense sadness & i wish more then anything that i could heal him. i feel so helpless because i can't show him how he is to me, & to everyone else; this beautiful, talented, amazing person with so much potential. instead he's stuck in the dark, it seems to deal with all the sadness inside of him he's trivializing himself, making himself feel worthless so his feelings don't matter. i care about him so much & i just wish there was something i could do.

I've gotta grab ahold of my balls...

2005-09-18T17:34:50Z

I think I'm in love. Okay, I know I'm in love. Yes, I fell in love. But I'm terrified. And how do you tell that to someone? I don't want him to say it back if he doesn't really & truly 100% mean it...but I don't want to say it if he doesn't feel it too. !!#$@!@$^@# ERGH...feelings suck! But it's also the most amazing thing ever, I've never felt safe & cared about like this before.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-09-17T09:30:00

2005-09-17T13:30:48Z

I wish I was enough.
I wish I could make you happy.
I feel so useless.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-09-13T21:35:00

2005-09-14T01:40:31Z

so...in regards to my "i want to die" post last night, i have figured it all out, for the time being anyways. i just need to make the conscious decision to make moonshine a priority like i do with school, work, garret & my friends. so i'll be having my lessons on monday & then going out AT LEAST two other times during the week. if it doesn't work, then i will have to face the fact that i'm not making him important enough in my life & i'll have to give him up but i really do love him more than anything so i don't think it will go down like that.

garret just left, we made cupcakes & had uber fun decorating them all silly like. we even made "i *heart* garret" & "i *heart* sarah" cupcakes because we're so damn cute like that! tomorrow we're going to see the exorcism of emily rose. ;D

I've never felt like this before...

i fail at life.

2005-09-13T02:43:28Z

yes, i'm a failure, it's time to admit that. i can't do anything right, i can't have one part of my life on track let alone balance it all. i've never put it in a full year's work at school and done my best, i always have a meltdown and fuck everything up. i'm a horrid, lazy daughter. i'm terrible with money. i procrastinate about everything. and now my mom's made me realize that i don't spend enough time with moonshine. i mean, yes, i knew this but i keep saying i'm going to change that...but i don't. i love him more than anything, he's my baby & we've been together for so long, it's almost our 5-year. why can't i get it together and do something right for a change? but school is so much harder this year and a lot more work, plus working and having friends, i can't do it all. but i don't think i can say good-bye.

long time, no update...i'm a slacker

2005-09-12T19:45:40Z

so school's back in... my schedule is:
period 1: grade 12 university history of the west and the world
period 2: spare (so...doing my homework for my afternoon classes, studying & chain smoking ;D)
period 3: lunch
period 4: grade 12 university philosophy questions & theories
period 5: grade 12 AP english
i kind of hate being back & having to talk to everyone i didn't want to see all summer, i also kind of love it though. my classes are all really interesting & i like them but uuuuugh...so much work!

garret & i are still together, i found out last night that this is his longest relationship ever & he says he's never felt the way he feels about me before. :) he's so amazing & i like him more & more everyday, it kind of terrifies me.

other then that, i've given up pot for time being (go me?), i'm working a bit, having lessons with moo & just hanging about. i'm excited cuz the fair is on so i'm gonna go this week & ska is dead is thursday...sweetness!!

this is boring & pointless, i apologize.

xrawkfaeriex @ 2005-08-18T18:08:00

2005-08-18T22:14:05Z

i'm extremely bored right now & i really wish i had a pack of cigarettes. the cute guy {dylan} who's been doing carpenter work on the pet store they're opening across the street from jessi's is supposed to come hang out with us tonight. i think i'm gonna make jessi go take pictures with me or something because i dont want to sit here anymore. speaking of picturs, i added a whole bunch of awesome ones to my album on my msn space...you should go look at them & laugh.

i thought garret & i were supposed to hang out last night & then he definitely wasn't home when i called him when i got off work. this week i've kinda felt like we wouldn't be hanging out at all if i didn't initiate it, wtf? boys make me so cranky and insecure sometimes...they suck.

ehhh...i'm going to the bank to see if i can afford smokes.

SURPRISE!!!

2005-08-08T20:32:07Z

garret came home, it was tres surprising and made me extremely happy. i know it's lame but it made me feel so much better just to see him. why am i such a silly girl?

ethan says i have to go see the lesbians on tv.

choi!